20 April 2009


"...the cur of the highway which my dead end street abuts is constant. As I lay in bed awake, sometimes my heart begins to race, and I can’t get a deep breath, and I feel way too much. And wonder. And yearn. And long for something that remains beyond my now twenty-five year old understanding.

I lay awake for hours most nights, tossing and turning, wondering about my life. Have I made the right choices so far? What will the rest of my life be like? Is this it; is this really being an adult? How can I make just a little more money? What’s going to happen next? Am I really happy now, or will the future put this happiness to shame? Or, will future misery make this happiness seem even better in retrospect?

I also feel like there is something just below the surface of myself that remains untapped. The same potential that has plagued me all of my life is still swirling around, still waiting to be found. I know I can make a difference, a contribution, do something great, but I cannot figure out what it is or how to do it. I’ve been patient and dedicated, but still it eludes me. And in that regard, I feel unfulfilled."

I copied this quote from Cyndi at Just An Everyday Bitch because it is almost word for word what I would write if I could put my feelings to paper. Er....computer screen. Or whatever. But I'm in a similar place, wondering about the choices I've made, the debts I've got, and where I'm heading.

I'm so unfulfilled and I don't know how or what to do about it. I feel like I have this great untapped potential in me, but I don't know how to access it. Or put it to good use should I ever get to it. I look at all of my peers, successful in their lives with good jobs, husbands, kids, fabulous opportunities and most of all, contentment. Happiness. And I wonder how in the world do I find that? How do I get there? I feel like I'm aimless and wandering and not at all living up to my potential. I feel lonely. I feel like I'm waiting to do all of the things I've dreamed of -- traveling, climbing mountains, experiencing various cultures, going back to school, dancing and singing and living a quirky free-spirited life, etc. -- until I've got more money, more stability, or a "soul mate" in either the form of a best friend or a significant other.

What is holding me back? And how do I change?

Questions I ask myself every single day.


Carolyn said...

I couldn't agree more. I feel so lost sometimes. I just look at other people and wonder how did they get from point A to point B while I'm somewhere stuck in the middle trying to figure it out!

It's like I know I need to do something. But I have no idea what that something is! So frustrating!

Anonymous said...

I had a rough day today and seeing that this touched something in you made me cry! I've always had this feeling that maybe the thing below my surface is writing...so seeing this made me feel better. It makes me feel like maybe there is a chance that really there is something within me, and I'm not crazy or doing wishful, conceited thinking.

We're not alone, and that's something.

Anonymous said...

I have to say, I also agree. I'm feeling the same way too. I'm actually really glad to have read this because I know I'm not alone. There's actually a lot comfort knowing that.

Jess said...

I feel the same way...I'm definitely at a crossroads in my life in the exact same way you're describing. I'm not married, I don't have kids, I don't feel like I'm really "following my dreams"...(which for me would also be travelling and experiencing a bunch of cultures). And it sounds like a lot of people feel the same way. But unfortunately, most of our dreams require money, which most of us don't have :( So then we get trapped in the dead-end job routine...argh!!